| Child's
Play Reveals Child Abuse
"I think he has enough reason to be angry with men and women...he could rape a woman, he would take on almost anything," Dr. Susan E. Borows considers the question of whether her patient could someday become criminally violent. "Certainly if something appears to be a threat to him, or compromising to him, he's a little guy, but he'll get in your face." "Little guy" isn't just a reference to her patient's size -- Borows is looking into the future of a seven-year-old victim of child abuse. Borows is a licensed marriage, family and child counselor. Out of her Piedmont office, she is known for her work with domestic violence perpetrators and victims, including children traumatized by witnessing brutality in their home. She has a warm and genuine smile. And she's a great listener. Her office looks like that of any other therapist's -- soft lighting, wood office furniture, comfy couch, plants, shelves full of books -- but with one difference. In a corner of the room there is a stockpile of toys. "A lot of times these kids...their play is so aggressive," said Borows. "I have these little plastic animals and they create these unbelievable scenes where they go after the most vulnerable animal -- the little piglet. They've got the gorilla, and the wolf and the lion..." In the case of her seven-year-old client, it is the lives of real animals that are in danger. "The child has done things like trap animals and set fire to things," said Borows. "He is his own little raging machine." Although the devastating effects of domestic abuse have become more widely recognized in society, the long-term impact of family violence on children has not been thoroughly researched, resulting in evidence that is mostly speculative and anecdotal. Nonetheless, most psychologists, including Borows, agree that children who are physically abused, or witness abuse, are likely to suffer profound mental trauma, including helplessness, powerlessness, anxiety, depression, and anger. Young boys are the most vulnerable to perpetuate the violence in their own lives, often becoming batterers themselves later in life, but also turning their anger outside the home and into society. According to Borows, the manifestations of family violence are often subtle in the beginning. "One of the things that happens is the kid's angry and he doesn't sort of know what to do with his anger...and so he has a tug of war with a kid at school," said Borows. "He can't explain why he's feeling this way...no doubt he's filled with anger over the frustration of not being able to help his mother and can't do anything about that." Passed along to children is a mixed message when violence is not only repeated, but allowed. "Of course, he's learning that dad gets to come home night after night," said Borows, "that somehow the anger is being accepted in the family and being excused." In order to cope, a child will also begin to accept the violence as normal. "They rationalize it, rather than see their father or mother or grandparents, or whomever, as a bad person," said Borows. "For their own emotional development...we all need to believe our parents are good people." And although not all children respond to family abuse by acting out violently themselves, it is an unavoidable trap for many kids who begin to see aggression as their only means of control. "The child has seen it over and over again...the anger. They see that power of anger and what it does," said Borows. In the case of her "little guy" Borows said violence was not only witnessed and inflicted upon him by his mother and her boyfriend, but also advocated. "He's always been encouraged in his life that if somebody calls him a name that it's o.k. to punch them," said Borows. "He's not learning socially how to make friends with other kids." Borows said the saddest thing about the little boy is how little hope he has for his own life. "I can think of conversations with him," said Borows. "I'll say 'How will you be with your kids when you grow up?' and everything that comes out of him you can hear it coming from the mother and her boyfriend." "It's a pain having kids," quoted Borows, "they just cry and want your money." Often, the boy's mother would leave him in the company of strangers. "I think there were periods of time when the mother would find just anybody to watch him," she said. Borows has been working with this particular young client for about a year. He was brought to her after child protection services removed him from his family environment. Borows said she believes the young boy's school made the call that just might save him. Borows uses a variety of approaches to try to get her young clients to tell her what's on their mind. One such technique is having children draw a picture for her. Borows points to a picture on a book filled with artwork done by children who have lived in violent homes, entitled "Silent Screams and Hidden Cries," by Agnes Wohl and Bobbie Kaufman. It is a collection of drawings produced by children living at the Safe House for Abused Families in New York. Along with each picture is an interpretation of feelings that often are never revealed in words. Borows added that some children are unable to produce any drawings of themselves. "From my experience working with children, kids who have low self esteem because of things they have witnessed, most of the time if I ask them to draw a picture of themselves they can't," said Borows. "They have no concept of themselves." Whatever the approach, Borows said it takes time to build the trust between her and her clients necessary to make any progress in dealing with their trauma. It was only recently that her "little guy" would begin playing with some of the toys she offered. "It took me forever to get him to even look at the puppets," she said, adding that board games have been the most revealing play activity. "This aggressiveness -- he'll lie and cheat, just to win," said Borows. "You feel all of this anger. It doesn't matter how you play the game, just so you cream the other guy." |
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